Authorities Warn Tonight's Protests May Escalate From 'Mostly Peaceful' To 'Somewhat Peaceful'
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Homeland Security has raised the level of its National Protest Advisory System (NPAS) from "Mostly Peaceful" to "Somewhat Peaceful" in response to swelling crowds outside the Supreme Court Building.
D.C. Police are on full alert with riot gear to hold back the somewhat peaceful protesters to prevent them from entering the Supreme Court Building with somewhat peaceful intent.
The building itself is surrounded by oppressive barricades and the justices have reportedly been issued whistles to report somewhat peaceful touching on their person in the event of a somewhat peacefully bludgeoning.
"We advise everyone to stay away from the somewhat peaceful protests currently going on outside the Supreme Court Building," said D.C. Police Chief Frank Turtletaub.
"The peaceful fire burns mightily. Several individuals are already somewhat incapacitated."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi spoke in an effort to quell the protest's fervor when she said, "[...] the radical supreme court is eviscerating America's rights and endangering its health and safety [...] the harm is endless."
"It's a slap in the face to women," she added.
Curiously, her statements have been unable to prevent somewhat peaceful property damage.
At publishing time, the NPAS alert level was upgraded again from "somewhat peaceful" to "kind of peaceful." The mayor is currently considering evacuation orders.
Kavanaugh Burns Down His Home Just To Get It Over With
POLITICS · JUN 24, 2022
WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to sources in the D.C. area, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh decided to "go ahead and get it over with" and burn his own home down before tonight's protests break out.
"Might as well face it - the sooner this puppy burns down, the sooner I can start rebuilding at an undisclosed location," Kavanaugh said to himself while dousing his home with kerosene, as his family piled into a minivan provided by a federal witness protection program. "At least I'll be sure to do a good job. Those antifa guys can be pretty sloppy."
Kavanaugh walked slowly through the house, carefully applying lighter fluid and other fuels throughout, as he reminisced about all the good times he'd had there and said goodbye to his material possessions. "Goodbye, statue of St. Mary. Goodbye, limited-edition Samuel Adams tap handle. And I'll miss you most of all, MAGA hat."
"Sometimes, when you want something done right, you just have to do it yourself," he added as he put the finishing touches on the home before throwing a match and walking away.
At publishing time, Kavanaugh had been seen taking a few family heirlooms from his home and getting into the van with his family - items such as a baseball glove passed down from his father, his high school yearbook, and a St. Pauli Girl neon sign.
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